The Tragedy of Prince Grahamlet

Today marks the 6th anniversary of "Grahamlet." Some know it, some don't. Some know the characters and the context, but most probably don't. Nevertheless, I couldn't be prouder of something that I co-authored at 17... though I'm not sure if I'm proud of not being able to be prouder. Or something. Anyway, hopefully you enjoy it and all the alluded to high school comedy drama that inspired it in the first place. And if not... meh, I don't really care what you think anyway.

Without further ado:

The Tragedy of Prince

Grahamlet

By

Ethan Conner-Ross

Ed Knizhnik

Alex Gosfield

Featuring a Sonnet by Elizatbeth Thrall

Act I, Scene I

{Grahamlet enters the throne room, where the King and Queen sit perched upon their thrones. Grahamlet looks downtrodden and is dressed all in black}

King: Young Grahamlet, why dost thou look so somber upon this fine morning? The sun doth shine brightly in the kingdom, but thy face is mired in naught but darkness!

Grahamlet: Mistaken be you, my lord, for no light doth pass on my face without the presence of mine own sun.{glances subtly at Queen’s bosom}

King: What means thou, my son.

Grahamlet: Oh were maggots to crawl into my decaying flesh, I woudst gladly allow them to suck from me the breath taken by my once-love, now-lords departure. Each day I damn this inky cloak upon my back for I have already sat shiva for my broken heart.

King: But good Grahamlet, art thou not satisfied by thy under-aged wench, Pedophelia?

Grahamlet: Goodly King, I didst think once that satisfaction could be wrought from the fruits of the cradle. But no more. Said wench doth naught but annoyeth me. She harraseth me every night. Every night, my lord! I shall take my leave of you good king.

Queen: Farewell then.

{Exit Grahamlet}

King: Think you, my Queen, that this depression hath root in his mother’s passing only?

Queen: I know not, my lord.

Act I, Scene II

{Grahamlet, Alexio, Ethancrantz and Guildenedgar are congregated in the cellar of the castle. Much brew has passed between them, and Grahamlet is beginning to show the effects}

Grahamlet: Good Ethancrantz, gentle Guildenedgar, I am verily drunk. Mights’t thou take thee a sojourn to ye Olde Coppe Shoppe to obtain more fine brew?

Guildenedgar: But dearest Grahamlet, thou art, as thou hast said, stupefied i' thine mortality. A beast has seized thee and that beast cometh in convenient 40 ounce containers! My friend, why dost thou dance a merry jig into the maw of the beast?

Grahamlet: Bounteous Guildenedgar, this beast has clasped me to him in a grip I cannot escape. I am even now swallowed by it. No further weakness can come upon me by greater exposure to the beast. Dost thou comprehend?

Ethancrantz: Though thine arguments possess the sensibility of a boil-baned lewdster, I will even now venture forth in search of the beast whose number is two score. Come Guildenedgar! We ride!

{Exit Ethancrantz and Guildenedgar}

Alexio: Thy wisdom, Grahamlet, is ceaselessly amazing to me.

Grahamlet: Ah, Alexio. Thou art a fly on the wall: ever attentive, never revealing.

Alexio: Buzz, buzz.

Grahamlet: Have I your confidence?

Alexio: M’ Lord, as always.

Grahamlet: Then anon I must confess; I have false proclaimed my interest in the fair Pedophelia, for my heart belongeth to another.

Alexio: Thinkest me a man sightless, stumbling about with my hands afore my self, as a man undead? Nay, thou woundest me deeply.

Grahamlet: My remembrance deceives. Thought I that we spoke of me!

Alexio: Oh. Yes. Verily.

Grahamlet: As I was saying, my heart still belongeth to another. My Queen is two-fold a queen, a monarch and goddess, melded into one. A shining pinnacle upon which my eyes are unfit to gaze. A fool am I who spurns her, and seeks the youth of the nation in her stead.

Alexio: My lord, has’t thou forgotten—

Grahamlet: And her eye! Oh! that the moon could be as bright and bold! Her smile is a dagger, piercing my heart with its keen edge! And her posterior! It brings a tear to the eye! Dost though not agree, noble Alexio?

Alexio: Sir, I like big butts and I cannot lie. The other brothers can’t deny that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and her round thing in my face…..but sir, has’t though forgotten this New Year’s past? It was she who spurned thee! And forget not the result. Allow me to recall for thee…..

{in flashback, Grahamlet stands with the Queen}

Grahamlet: My lady, I canst not go on in this fashion! Thou art tearing me apart! Thou approachest with words tender, and like the frumious bandersnatch, thy words are thy sole offering. I can go on i’ this way no more. The Admiral would not stand for it.

Queen: A pox on your Admiral! My lord, I take my leave. O King?

{Queen exits, Pedophelia enters}

Grahamlet: (aside) Ah! A young fair damsel who oft hath made known her desire for me! Now, with the cunning of the serpent shall I make my advance – Atten-SHUN! By order of the Admiral, jettison those pants!

{Grahamlet and Pedophelia approach each other, and the flashback ends}

Alexio: And that’s not to mention the lampshade, the singing, the three other “women”…

Grahamlet: Enough! Thy point is made.

Alexio: I think not. For thy meeting with the young Pedophelia hath shown the Queen the light. Methinks that absence maketh the heart pound like the burning tom-toms of the primitive jungle. She may now see her err. Only time will tell. I sayest to you, Grahamlet, my finest advice: to thine own loins be true, and it shall follow as limpness doth orgasm that thou canst not be untrue to any woman.

Grahamlet: Let my libido be my guide! I shall follow thy advice, goodly Alexio.

To you alone, I this confide:

My groin shall lead me to my bride.

{scene ends}

Act I, Scene III

{The royal banquet hall is brimming with the activity of a great feast. All are present.}

King: I toasteth my fair Queen, who this on this evening shall departeth on noble business of the state. The Queen shall visit Southwardly academies of scholarship, seeking one suitable for herself, wherein our other young scholars shall join her in time. To the Queen!

{All raise glasses to toast the Queen.}

Grahamlet: (aside) Would that I could study her!

Queen: My Lordship, I expect my journey to be prosperous and enjoyable for myself and the kingdom alike. Let us now partyeth the night away!

{And there was much rejoicing}

Act I, Scene IV

{Grahamlet stumbles through the castle humming the works of his favorite traveling knave, Dave Matthews. Alexio catches up with him outside on the guard wall.}

Grahamlet: Eat, drinketh and pursue merriment! For upon the morrow, we perish!

Alexio: Good Grahamlet, pull thyself together. Thou must get to bed.

Grahamlet: Why, good sir? I shall wake tomorrow to a day as dreary as this one.

Alexio: But Sir Mix-A-Lot arriveth tomorrow!

{enter Ghost}

Grahamlet: What the…..

Alexio: Look hither, good sir! Tis a’ apparition in the form of your late mother!

Grahamlet: Mother!

Ghost: Grahamlet, hast thou been drinking? Thou smellest of whiskey most foul!

Grahamlet: (to Alexio) Thank heaven she hath not noticed the wacketh weed!

Ghost: Son, I have cometh to tell you of my murder, most foul, by thy father, my once husband! Dost thou remember that upon that day most fatefull, thou had been instructed to take thy brother upon a promenade through the countryside so that thy father and I might be aloneth?

Grahamlet: Yes….

Ghost: Dost thou remember which video I had rented the day prior?

Grahamlet: Enough, enough, I getteth it.

Ghost: The wretched King took this opportunity to pierce me with his bare Bodkin!

Alexio: I’ll bet he did!

Grahamlet: His dagger, you fishmonger! But why, mother!

Ghost: For he lusted in his heart for your once-love, his now-queen!

Grahamlet: Knew ‘t, did I!

Ghost: Now that we hath completeth that business… has thou been keeping thy room cleanly.

Grahamlet: Mother….

Alexio: The sunrise approacheth!

Ghost: I must be hastening to my departure. Thou wilst remember that which I have told you, good Grahamlet?

Grahamlet: Doubt it not mother.

{Exit Ghost}

Alexio: My lord, a twisted and uncertain predicament is this. Thy path so muddled, what shall guide thee?

Grahamlet: Let me think on’t. What wouldst Brian Boitano do?

Act II, Scene I

{Grahamlet and Alexio the next morning plot against the King}

Grahamlet: Good Alexio, what might we do to trick my father?

Alexio: I have heard it said that when viewing an action of there’s re-enacting upon the telescreen, one will be overwraughten with guilt i' ones face.

Grahamlet: That my friend, is genius rivaling that of the inventor of the double stuff Oreo! The film’s the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King!

{Enter Sir Mix-A-Lot}

Sir Mix-A-Lot: Baby Got BACK!!

{Exit Sir Mix-A-Lot}

Alexio: Truer words be ne’er spoken…..we shall renteth the “Joey Buttofucco Story.”

Grahamlet: Excellent well. Blockbuster ho!

Act II, Scene II

{The King is taking counsel in his chambers from his most trusted advisor, Carmonius}

King: Good sir, what think you on the cause of my son’s behavior of late?

Carmonius: Methinks he need only remove the scabbard on his Sword for Hire.

King: How goes his latest wench?

Carmonius: Good Pedophelia doth complain to me on many an occasion that her advances prove more unrequainted than she wouldst desire. He hath of late acted as if another ‘twere on his mind.

King: And what shalt thou doeth about it?

Carmonius: Hmmm….spyeth?

King: Thou dost always say “spyeth”? Dost thou do anything else?

Carmonius: Prithee, tis so enjoyable!

King: Very well then. Go you to Grahamlet. (as Carmonius leaves) Say Carmonius….hast thy vision recovered enough for the task?

Carmonius: My eye doth recover with great haste. Further, I hath goggles now, my lord.

Act II, Scene III

{Carmonius approaches Grahamlet, who paces the hallways}

Carmonius: Good sir, upon what dost thou ponder?

Grahamlet: Upon nothing, upon everything….upon the flight speed of an African swallow carrying a coconut.

Carmonius: What means this?

{Enter Ethancrantz and Guildenedgar and Alexio}

Grahamlet: (to Ethancrantz and Guildenedgar) Confuseth him with thine words!

Ethancrantz: Am I a grasshopper dream’ng I’m a butterfly….or a butterfly dream’ng I’m a grasshopper?

Guildenedgar: I just had an argument with my Mexican father!

{enter Mr. T}

Mr. T: I ain’t got time fo’ yo’ jibba jabba!

Carmonius: Verily! What is this Mexico of which you speak? Your words frighten and confuse me! I am merely a 13^th century Danish political advisor!

Grahamlet: Wormwood!

Mr. T: I pity the foo’!

{Exit Mr. T}

Carmonius: Perhaps some Marijuana would soothe thy madness?

Grahamlet: (aside) Oh, tis another Maryjoanna that I desire!

Whilt thou tell the King to join us tonight for the viewing of a film?

Carmonius: I shall relay the message, my liege.

{enter Sir Mix-A-Lot}

Sir Mix-A-Lot: Mary is BACK!

Grahamlet: You mean the Queen?!

Sir Mix-A-Lot: Yea, right, that’s what I meanteth. The Queen is BACK!

{Alexio and Sir Mix-A-Lot breaketh it down}

Act II, Scene IV

{The Queen pulls Grahamlet into her chambers where they can speaketh alone}

Queen: Grahamlet, I must speak to thee. My voyage did bring me a startling vision!

Grahamlet: What dost thou mean?

Queen: Upon the route of my return, a band of murderers didst approach our caravan in search of treasure to plunder. Upon seeing our men torn assunder, I thoughteth mine carriage to be mine resting place!

Grahamlet: What didst thou?

Queen: I said to mine self: “self, what dost thou regret?” And mine self answered: “self, thou regrestest fair Grahamlet.”

Grahamlet: Good Queen, dost thou mean what mine ears thinketh thy meaneth?!

Queen: Grahamlet, go telleth off thy under-aged wench!

Grahamlet: This moment, my dear!

{Exit Grahamlet}

Act III, Scene I

{Pedophelia stands at the window and delivers a sonnet to her beloved}

Pedophelia: Shall I compare thy head to the round moon?

Thou art far larger and more pock-marked.

Thou blockst out the hot and flaming sun,

In thy shadow, twelve large macaques can stand.

Prithee, I love thy Arian forehead

As sweet as a large square watermelon.

Indeed, I ask how thy twig neck supports

The vast and towering presence of thy head,

Proudly defying laws of gravity.

Ah, but if thy ponderous head should fall,

And shake the frightened ground like an earthquake!

I’d find another lecherous old man,

Though in this world there is but one such head!

(Enter Grahamlet}

Grahamlet: Pedophelia, we must talketh!

Pedophelia: Of what, my lord?

Grahamlet: Pedophelia, thou knewest from the start I did not care for thou. In fact, I toldeth thou. Several times.

Pedophelia: Good Grahamlet, what art thou saying?

Grahamlet: By order of the Admiral: Thou art dis-MISSed!

{Exit Grahamlet. Pedophelia is reduced to tears}

Act III, Scene II

{Grahamlet and Alexio exit the castle to see Sir Mix-A-Lot out}

Sir Mix-A-Lot: I’ll be BACK!

Grahamlet: Fare you well, good knight.

{Sir Mix-A-Lot is runneth over by a pack of wild stallions}

Grahamlet: Thou hast slain Sir Mix-A-Lot!

Alexio: You bastards!

Act III, Scene III

{All are seated in Ye Olde Palace Theatre. “The Joey Buttofucco story begins.” Amy Fisher and Joey Buttofucco appeareth in a sex scene}

Carmonius: Mine eye!

{The movie continueth. As Joey Buttofucco kills his wife, the King doth getteth the idea}

King: Lights! Give me lights! Stoppeth the movie!

Carmonius: Wait, it getteth good again!

{King storms out, followed by all except Grahamlet and Alexio. Enter Mme. Mulherin}

Mme Mulherin: The movie hath ended? Thou hast missed my class for this! Mme Bravo m’a pousse trop loin cette fois!

{Exit Mme Mulherin}

Alexio: Anyway….que faites-vous maintenant?

Grahamlet: I speaketh not French. Commie bastard.

Alexio: Zounds, I must be going to my dance recital!

Grahamlet: Fair thee well. Woman.

Alexio: Stoppeth that!

{Exit Alexio}

Grahamlet: Oh were life as simple as a pair of GAP boxers!

If only mine love did fitteth so easily as 100% cotton, large waist, size 34-36!

T’would be so simple, t’would it not?

{Enter Ethancrantz and Guildenedgar}

Oh cloth , though fittest so comfortably upon mine hips!

Guildenedgar: Oh, he converses with his boxers again.

Ethancrantz: We’ll cometh back.

{Exit Ethancrantz and Guildenedgar}

Grahamlet: Oh thou art so soft! Oh thou art so clean!

Oh were I to possess but nine pairs of thee mine life woulds’t be completed….

{Scene Ends}

Act III, Scene IV

{Grahamlet and the Queen are in the throne room when the King barges through the door}

King: Grahamlet, thou hast offended my honor! I demand satisfaction! Let us settle this like men!

Grahamlet: Coward I am not! What dost thou demand?

King: Let us play…..tiddlywinks!

Queen: Uh, perhaps thou shouldst have a duel, no?

King: An even better idea! En Garde:

{The two swordfight for a period of time, leaping onto tables etc. All very exciting when you see it on screen. Eventually, Grahamlet and the King pierceth each other at the same time. They lie, dying}

Queen: Good Grahamlet! Thou hast died for thy people!

{Enter Lizz}

Lizz: Like Jesus! Grahamlet is Jesus!

{Exit Lizz}

{Stirred by the noise, a crowd rushes into the great hall}

Peasant: With the King and his heir dead, who is to become our leader?

Carmonius: I believe it is to be Creon.

{Enter Creon}

Creon: By my first decree, Grahamlet shall not be buried by punishment of death!

Queen: Have Creon shot.

Creon: Gotta go!

[Creon attempts to leave, but is killed by a stampede of wild horses. And there was much rejoicing.}

And they all lived happily ever after. Or did they?

P.S. They did.